Monthly Archives: April 2015

Big Ba-da Boom!

I’ve just finished my first watch of “The Fifth Element” and big ba-da boom, was it fun! I must admit that the first 15 minutes had me a bit skeptical because, well, those strange aliens that waddled around slowly like they had full diapers.

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Super weird. In fact, for the first ½ of the movie, I felt like a fly on the wall at comic-con. So many crazy costumes!

There were lots of neato, futuristic things throughout the movie that made me wish it was 2263 already! Here’s a few of my favorites:

1) Flying cars, yo! Zoom zoom.

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2) This crazy awesome makeup machine. Less mess and more sleeping in!

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3) Magic microwaves. Full-on meals in 5, 4, 3, 2, gimme dat chicken.

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4) This Chinese Food-to-Window delivery service would be acceptable too.

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5) Super cute alien-elephant pets. So squeezable! Not helpful when choking, however. You’ll be on your own for that one.

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6) The Popo MUST dress like this in the future. Mad respect.

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7) This stylish hair-do. 50% shaven, 50% plastic, 100% awesome.

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8) Beautiful, extra-terrestrial opera singers with dance skillz to die for. Literally. She died.

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9) Sleeping pods for long flights. Yes, please!

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10) Poodle hair and leopard print. The future needs Ruby Rhod style.

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Ok, friends. I think I’m sci-fied out for a while… The next one on the list better be a romantic comedy or else!

My official reaction:

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Alien Anthologeez

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Last week, I watched all 4 movies in the “Alien” anthology for the first time thanks to a lend from one of my coworkers who happens to be a super fan. (Though, if I’m being honest, almost all of my coworkers are super fans of this series…) To set the mood, I watched them by myself, in the dark, late at night, with my pug. This was either a really good idea or a really terrible one. I’ve not decided.

Anywho…

Because each film pretty much runs into the next one, I’ve documented my reactions in run-on sentences. Grammar Nazis, back off!

Alien

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The intro to this movie is soooooo slow, but whoa these sets are amazing and did this really take place in 2122 because look at those computer monitors, ewww that thing just came out of his freaking chest, I can’t even, so that dude was a robot the whole time and everyone else is gonna die on this ship except the cat, oh wait, this one chick is pretty smart so let’s hope she survives, yup she does, pwew can I turn the lights on now?!

Aliens

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Another slow intro and wait a minute, she’s been asleep for 57 years, that’s crazy and there’s wayyyy more pew pew lasers going on in this movie, but this redneck marine guy is kinda funny, THERE’S SO MANY OF THOSE SLOBBERY ALIENS EVERYWHERE, so that redneck marine guy is now the most annoying person in the movie, I want him to die, he just did, look at Ripley go in that machine thingie, so awesome, yay she saved the girl, the end, I’m tired.

Alien3

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Man, she can’t catch a break and now we are hanging out with a buncha chimney sweepers in a weird basement location with more aliens that appear to be faster, stronger, and more CG than ever before, so Ripley shaves her head, then she has one of them inside her NOOOOOOOOOO, and she’s falling backwards into the furnace to die, wait, what, huh, this is dumb!

Alien: Resurrection

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She’s still alive, how is that even possible, I don’t really wanna know, gross they showed me anyways, how can these scientists be so stupid, I don’t care, I’m gonna Google pictures of pugs in bowties, and now there’s a half human, half alien baby just when I thought this movie couldn’t get any stupider, it get’s sucked out a window and it’s entrails are spread into space, gross, I’m out.

NOW, ASK ME IF I LIKED THE ALIEN ANTHOLOGY. JUST ASK ME.

Alien – Yes. Classy, scary, beautiful.
Aliens – Kinda. Fun, but super cheesy and too much pew pew-ing going on.
Alien3 – Not really. Everyone hates this one and I can see why. But def not as bad as….
Alien: Resurrection – Nope to the nope. I’d rather pull off my fingernails one by one.

My official reaction:

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True Bromance

Recently I watched “True Romance” at the request of one of my coworkers who kindly supplied me with a well-loved DVD copy with his name Sharpied across the front. While I did find it quite entertaining and a nice way to spend a Sunday evening on the couch, the most interesting thing about “True Romance” was/is the almost unanimous reactions I got from my male friends when I told them it was the next thing to watch on my list:

“I LOVE this film.”
“So good. So so good.”
“Everyone who is anyone is in it.”
“One of the best cult classics of all time.”
“It’s possibly the best movie ever made.”

Um, yeah. Way to set a girl up for disappointment. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t hate it! I just… fail to see how it could be considered THAT good. So, after a little head scratching and soul searching and an entire package of Oreos (no shame), I have compiled a short list of why I think dudes love this movie.

1) Errrrbody is in it. Seriously.

Christian Slater (What happened to him anyways?). Patricia Arquette (Swoon). Brad Pitt (Underutilized). Christopher Walken (Always a creep). Dennis Hopper (Like a boss). Gary Oldman (Dread head). Samuel L. Jackson (For 5 seconds). James Gandolfini (R.I.P.). Val Kilmer (Wait. I didn’t see Val in this movie?!). And a whole buncha other peeps who are in a whole buncha other movies that I don’t know by name. 

2) Patricia Arquette as Alabama Whitman. ❤

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3) Clarence and Alabama are sorta Bonnie and Clyde. They’re so adorable and then, without warning, they are so brutally ruthless. Blood everywhere!

Exhibit A: Adorbs.

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Exhibit B: Clarence be trippin’.

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Exhibit C: Alabama puts on her crazy pants one leg at a time.

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4) That one super intense scene. I’ve started having nightmares about Christopher Walken dancing to Fatboy Slim and then shooting me to death.

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5) Elvis as a sort of mentor/coach/devil on your shoulder. (Oh, wait! I’ve just realized that Val Kilmer was Elvis. Found ‘em!)

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Maybe I have to be a dude to truly appreciate the awesomeness that is “True Romance”. Maybe this movie is just too cool for me. Either way, no regrets.

Thanks for the lend, G!

My official reaction:

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