46 days, 11 hours, and 48 minutes have passed since I became a mother.
Canyon came swiftly into our world 3 weeks early on March 22nd at 8:08am, after 8 hours of intense labor. I gave birth to him at home, holding onto our beat-up Ikea dresser, while the morning sun leaked through the bedroom window. The first hands to touch him were his daddy’s. The second were mine.
For the rest of the world it was just another normal Tuesday. For me, it was the start of one of the greatest adventures of my life: Motherhood. As we stared at our newly minted son for the first time, I felt a weighty responsibility.
Will I be a good mom?
Will I be loving enough?
Will I say the right things at the right time?
What if others judge me for my parenting choices?
Do I have to start wearing mom jeans?
Will I lose myself in parenthood?
Will I be like my mom? Or not enough like her?
But just as quickly as those self-doubting questions came, they were replaced with excitement, heart-bursting love, and a self assuredness that I’ve never felt before. It’s like a tiny voice whispered to me, “Hey, you got this”.
I won’t always be loving enough, tough enough, patient enough. I won’t always say the right things at the right time, but I will try. Others will most likely judge me for my parenting choices. I’ll probably lose myself a little and own at least one pair of mom jeans. And best case scenario, I’ll be like my mom.
As I type this one-handed while nursing sweet baby Canyon, I’m feeling pretty stoked about my new title. “Mommy” does have a pretty boss ring to it, doesn’t it? And to all of you new moms who have ever had those same self-doubting questions, let me be the little voice that says, “Hey, you got this”.
Happy Mother’s Day.
(A special thanks to our doula and birth photographer, Jodi Kaldestad, for these beautiful photos. Youdabest.)