Tag Archives: Aliens

Alien Anthologeez

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Last week, I watched all 4 movies in the “Alien” anthology for the first time thanks to a lend from one of my coworkers who happens to be a super fan. (Though, if I’m being honest, almost all of my coworkers are super fans of this series…) To set the mood, I watched them by myself, in the dark, late at night, with my pug. This was either a really good idea or a really terrible one. I’ve not decided.

Anywho…

Because each film pretty much runs into the next one, I’ve documented my reactions in run-on sentences. Grammar Nazis, back off!

Alien

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The intro to this movie is soooooo slow, but whoa these sets are amazing and did this really take place in 2122 because look at those computer monitors, ewww that thing just came out of his freaking chest, I can’t even, so that dude was a robot the whole time and everyone else is gonna die on this ship except the cat, oh wait, this one chick is pretty smart so let’s hope she survives, yup she does, pwew can I turn the lights on now?!

Aliens

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Another slow intro and wait a minute, she’s been asleep for 57 years, that’s crazy and there’s wayyyy more pew pew lasers going on in this movie, but this redneck marine guy is kinda funny, THERE’S SO MANY OF THOSE SLOBBERY ALIENS EVERYWHERE, so that redneck marine guy is now the most annoying person in the movie, I want him to die, he just did, look at Ripley go in that machine thingie, so awesome, yay she saved the girl, the end, I’m tired.

Alien3

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Man, she can’t catch a break and now we are hanging out with a buncha chimney sweepers in a weird basement location with more aliens that appear to be faster, stronger, and more CG than ever before, so Ripley shaves her head, then she has one of them inside her NOOOOOOOOOO, and she’s falling backwards into the furnace to die, wait, what, huh, this is dumb!

Alien: Resurrection

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She’s still alive, how is that even possible, I don’t really wanna know, gross they showed me anyways, how can these scientists be so stupid, I don’t care, I’m gonna Google pictures of pugs in bowties, and now there’s a half human, half alien baby just when I thought this movie couldn’t get any stupider, it get’s sucked out a window and it’s entrails are spread into space, gross, I’m out.

NOW, ASK ME IF I LIKED THE ALIEN ANTHOLOGY. JUST ASK ME.

Alien – Yes. Classy, scary, beautiful.
Aliens – Kinda. Fun, but super cheesy and too much pew pew-ing going on.
Alien3 – Not really. Everyone hates this one and I can see why. But def not as bad as….
Alien: Resurrection – Nope to the nope. I’d rather pull off my fingernails one by one.

My official reaction:

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“When You Stare Into the Abyss…”

“An ocean alien in the abyss stares back.” Wait, what?

I just watched “The Abyss” for the first time and well… I’ve got some mixed feelings about it. On the one hand: Ed Harris and underwater survival. On the other hand: Aliens. Does anyone else think that James Cameron should have picked just one theme for this film?! It seriously made my brain hurt. Like, SCIENCE OVERLOAD. The biggest mystery, however, is how I ended up watching two James Cameron films back to back. I should have at least watched something a little more fluffy before diving in (pun intended) to another JC film. Just sayin’.

Nonetheless, here’s some moments from the film that I’d like to share with you:

-Ed Harris (“Bud”) looking deeply into the blue toilet water and asking, “What is the meaning of life?”.

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-JK, he just wanted his wedding ring back.

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-Pretty much every moment in the entire film where they get to wear these crazy-awesome diving suits. Just look at ‘em. FREAKING SCIENCE.

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-When Lindsay is being all amazing and doing her thing. Then…

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-Aliens. (Trying to keep this PG here, but can we talk about how phallic this ship is? Was this intentional or just a really terrible art department?)

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-That one guy from “The Terminator” turns out to be a head case. Um, yeah. Get it together, Reese. You’ve got to save the future from robots, remember?

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-More weird alien stuff happens. At this point, my brain can’t take much more. It’s a sci-fi overload up in here.

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-The moment when Bud let’s Lindsay die, but then later he revives her by slapping her and yelling obscenities at her.

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-When Bud puts on a special dive suit with a breathable liquid. Brain explosion imminent.

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-This. Tears!

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-When Bud is saved by the aliens and his selfless actions prompt them to save him and his crew. *eye twitch*

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-ALIEN! IT’S A FREAKING ALIEN. BRAIN EXPLOSION!

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Needless to say, this movie was a bit too much for me. I really loved the underwater, gritty oil rig crew turned heroes plot line. The aliens part of the story just ruined it for me. I also did a little bit of research on the making of this film. CRAZY! If you are interested, you can watch the behind the scenes footage here. Prepare to be impressed and appalled.

Please excuse me while I go try to piece my cranium back together.

My official reaction:

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