Last week, I watched all 4 movies in the “Alien” anthology for the first time thanks to a lend from one of my coworkers who happens to be a super fan. (Though, if I’m being honest, almost all of my coworkers are super fans of this series…) To set the mood, I watched them by myself, in the dark, late at night, with my pug. This was either a really good idea or a really terrible one. I’ve not decided.
Because each film pretty much runs into the next one, I’ve documented my reactions in run-on sentences. Grammar Nazis, back off!
The intro to this movie is soooooo slow, but whoa these sets are amazing and did this really take place in 2122 because look at those computer monitors, ewww that thing just came out of his freaking chest, I can’t even, so that dude was a robot the whole time and everyone else is gonna die on this ship except the cat, oh wait, this one chick is pretty smart so let’s hope she survives, yup she does, pwew can I turn the lights on now?!
Another slow intro and wait a minute, she’s been asleep for 57 years, that’s crazy and there’s wayyyy more pew pew lasers going on in this movie, but this redneck marine guy is kinda funny, THERE’S SO MANY OF THOSE SLOBBERY ALIENS EVERYWHERE, so that redneck marine guy is now the most annoying person in the movie, I want him to die, he just did, look at Ripley go in that machine thingie, so awesome, yay she saved the girl, the end, I’m tired.
Man, she can’t catch a break and now we are hanging out with a buncha chimney sweepers in a weird basement location with more aliens that appear to be faster, stronger, and more CG than ever before, so Ripley shaves her head, then she has one of them inside her NOOOOOOOOOO, and she’s falling backwards into the furnace to die, wait, what, huh, this is dumb!
She’s still alive, how is that even possible, I don’t really wanna know, gross they showed me anyways, how can these scientists be so stupid, I don’t care, I’m gonna Google pictures of pugs in bowties, and now there’s a half human, half alien baby just when I thought this movie couldn’t get any stupider, it get’s sucked out a window and it’s entrails are spread into space, gross, I’m out.
NOW, ASK ME IF I LIKED THE ALIEN ANTHOLOGY. JUST ASK ME.
Alien – Yes. Classy, scary, beautiful.
Aliens – Kinda. Fun, but super cheesy and too much pew pew-ing going on.
Alien3 – Not really. Everyone hates this one and I can see why. But def not as bad as….
Alien: Resurrection – Nope to the nope. I’d rather pull off my fingernails one by one.
My official reaction: